24 Season Six

As we were watching 24 tonight, I came up with an absolutely ridiculous idea for 24's sixth (and if they did it) final season. Here is how it would go:
It has been 18 months since Season 5...
6PM-7PM Jack arrives at his hosue to find it dark. Tony is with him. They go in, sneaking through the house in suspicion. Jack pulls out his gun and shoots Edgar as the lights come up for...his bachelor party!
7PM-8PM Edgar has died, but they just party over him as he is too fat to move. Jack starts to get totally blitzed, and dances on the table. Tony, Curtis, Buchanon, Chase, Mike, Aaron, Palmer's brother, and Lynne all party with him.
8PM-9PM The stripper shows up. It's Mrs. Logan! That damn Edgar booked her. What an idiot.
9pm-10PM Jack has gotten so drunk that he sleeps with Kim anyway. She passed out and he and Tony, the only two still standing, head out on the town with only mild protests from Lynne.
10PM-11PM Jack goes to a strip club. Kim is the dancer! Oh, well. He's so drunk he sleeps with her too. Meanwhile Mrs. Logan has awoken and tracked him down. Cat fight.
11pm-12AM Mrs. Logan and Kim have both been injured and taken to CTU hopsital. Jack and Tony keep bar hopping.
12AM-1AM Audrey wakes up and begins to prepare. It takes a lot of time to make her pretty.
1AM-2AM More uproarious partying, more preparing.
2AM-3AM Jack falls down beside Michelle, Terry, Palmer, and all the other character's graves, weeping. Audrey is still primping.
3AM-4AM Some terrorist stuff begins to happen. Chloe shows up and upsets Aubrey when she tells her that she's fucking ugly.
4AM-5AM Jack discovers that Tony is a mole and tortures him.
5AM-6AM Jack discovers Tony is actually a good mole working for Palmer, who isn't really dead.
6AM-7AM Jack takes his new info to Logan, who immediately surrenders the country to France, just in case. Chloe makes a cameo because we miss her.
7AM-8AM Jack stops the terrorists. Audrey is now done with makeup, ready to start hair.
8AM-9AM Mike and Aaron wake up, assume that they were all drugged, and head off to find Mrs. Logan and ask her what happened. Chloe again insults Mrs. Logan
9AM-10AM An evil baker steals the cake. Mrs. Logan is carted off to a mental institution because her husband doesn't believe she is actually a stripper, as he hasn't slept with her in years.
10AM-11AM Jack discovers the evil baker was hired by Edgar, with the help of Chloe. He recovers the cake. Chloe covers him and shoots people.
11AM-12PM Terrorists come back and demand that Jack be handed over to China for execution.
12PM-1PM Jack fights the would-be assasian, the lesbian from every season. She escapes, but we will never see her again.
1PM-2PM Jack defeats China and gets them to surrender to Logan, who is so surprised and startled he surrenders to Ethipopia. Mrs. Logan escapes the mental ward and tries to kill Audrey to win Jack's heart.
2PM-3PM The wedding planner is late and the wedding is in chaos! Jack's friends are all off searching for him, including Tony who has finally been released. They assume he must have died.
3PM-4PM Audrey is told that Jack is dead. A whole day's beauty work is ruined. Jack goes looking for the wedding planner.
4PM-5PM Jack discovers the wedding planner is nine hours away. he makes it to her in 15 minutes.
5PM-6PM Jack's friends arrive at the wedding, Audrey realizes he's alive, Chloe ruins the wedding by opening her mouth, but they get married anyway. Then, because the series is over and the producers want to delight the fans, Chloe kills Kim for no reason.

Qop!
"This epsiode takes place between (insert hour) and (insert hours) on the Day of the California Presidential Primary." ~ 24 Season One Opening
"Beruit, I've been shot!" ~ Beige Queen, 24
"I did it for you, David." ~ Sherry Palmer, 24

Jimmy Dailey and the Ghetto Parking Spot

Once there was a young man name Jimmy Dailey. He did not know he was different from other men, growing up in his closet under the stairs. No, that was not a gay joke. Then one day Jimmy Dailey found the ghetto parking spot and his life changed forever.
Ok, happy Nick and Laura? We were at Lou Al's last night having a great time and there was a ghetto parking spot and they wanted me to write about it. Yay. Done. Now let's move on. :)
Actor's Nightmare Book One continues to sell decently and I am excited to start getting the word out. I have got some very positive feedback on it. Some people don't like the questions that aren't answered. Too bad. Go watch Lost. They don't answer questions either. That's not why I'm doing it. It's a long story that will take 9 books to tell. You won't get all the answers in the first one. Book Two is half done in it's first draft form. For those you waiting excitedly for another chapter in the saga, I'm guessing it will be out next fall. I will give you more details as I have them. Just be assured Auby will not wasted this time, you will get a shocking revelation about a character, several scenes from Book One will be revisited with another side to the story, and of course more of the beloved characters will die. If you have not started the series, why the hell not? Go to www.amazon.com and buy a copy today! Thanks all.

Qop! (from Pat Godwin's Gansta Folk)
I’m Patty G (he’s Patty G) and it’s all good (It’s all good) I'll pop a cap in your ass if you're in my neighborhood (Pat’s neighborhood) You ain't all that my brother What you say about my mother? I'm da bomb this aint no joke It's Gangsta Folk(oh he’s da bomb this aint no joke it’s gangsta folk) Yo dog check it out. My hoochies fly (his hoochies fly) Don’t diss my boo (what is a boo) You’ll end up like you know who (Tupac that’s who) Shout out to all my G’s, What’s up peeps! (Cracker please) I’m dope just take toke it’s gangsta folk (big ass toke) It's Gangsta Folk and we be chillin’ out Puffin’ on da Chronic ‘till we all folked out Ho’s in the hot tub 24/7 Homie aint no lie (nasty ho’s) I the baddest MC my rymes are phatI cock my Glock Beoch (Tru Dat!) Fo shizzle my izzle, dog keep on playin’ (we have no idea what he’s sayin’) I'm da bomb this aint no joke It's Gangsta Folk(oh he’s da bomb this aint no joke it’s gangsta folk) . Woooord!

Four Crumbs Not Emily

So I was watching a few of the mid-season premieres this week. Not too many. I had too many shows this fall, and thankfully some of the good ones got cancelled (Reunion, Threshold, and probably soon Bones) or put on indefinite hiatus (Arrested Development, Joey, and the wildly successful Prison Break and Out of Practice), or just turned out to be the same boring plot every week, despite still being good (Ghost Whisperer, Close to Home). So now with a much slimmer television schedule I have no desire to expand it again. I have too many other things I want to do besides watch tv. Still, I did welcome back Jake in Progress with open arms (it deserves them) and gave three new shows a chance: Emily's Reasons Why Not, Four Kings, and Crumbs. I chose these three because of lead actors: Heather Graham, Seth Green, and Fred Savage. Emily has already been dropped from my schedule. It got bad reviews, and I agree. It is NOT the least bit funny. Kings was great, with four strong actors about buddies sharing an apartment. Plus Seth Green gets lots of short jokes. Always funny. In the premiere they were trying to get him to stuff himself into a dryer. But the best new show is Crumbs.
Fred Savage is great as the main character, a closet gay who left home and moved to L.A. after the unexpected death of one of his brothers. He wrote a screenplay about it, which was well recieved, and began dating his pyschiatrist. He soon realizes that he doesn't have another screenplay in him, is dumped for his boyfriend for being emotionally distant, and returns home. Meanwhile, the mother, played deliciously insane by Jane Curtin, has just been released from a mental institution. After her husband cheated on her, she lost it and tried to run him over with a car. Now she goes back and forth between hoping he'll come home and hating his guts, and gets some action from her doctor, a big black guy named Elvis. And she suspects her son is gay. Despite the doctors in the show all sleeping with their patients, it is good. Fred's other brother has stayed home and in between his one night stands, now sololy runs the family restuarant. He won't talk to Fred because Fred ran off and then made their family story into a movie. Dad, played with a carefree atrtitude by William DeVane, sneaks into the restaurant every night to balance the books correctly, and is expecting a new baby with the restaurant critic that helped him end his marriage. Hmm. The critic is like the doctors. Well, despite the unprofessionalism of the supporting characters, this is a sitcom that makes you laugh and tear up in the same act. Rounding out the four member family and the black boyfriend is a waitress at the restaurant who used to date Fred Savage. Watch it.

Qop! (from "Formidable Opponent" on The Colbert Report, where Stephen debates with himself, split screen style, on an issue, in this case, is charity good?)
Stephen # 1: But, I could take care of my minimal needs and send the rest of the money to the poor.
Stephen #2: Okay, think about this: You could buy a $100,000 Mercedes S600, or you could buy a $10,000 pile of crap from Korea and give the left over 110,000 to...
S1: An orphanage?
S2: Whatever let's you sleep. One day, you go to check on your orphans. It's raining, and you don't have the benefits of that fine German engineering. You spin out of control. You're like a loose lawnmower blade. And what's that ahead? It's your orphans! They've come out into the street to thank you for your selfless gift.
S1 (yelling): Get out of the street orphans!
S2: Oh, I forgot to mention: They're deaf.
S1: Noooooo!
S2: Yes. Yeah, tragedy. Tragedy all because you didn't care enough to make a difference for yourself.
S1: Wow. You've really opened my eyes, Stephen. Say, um, does it have to be a car?
S2: No, it could be a really sweet boat.

1st Week of 2006

Ok, so I don't have anything exciting to post this week. Except Michael J. Fox has been doing better. Yay! The star of Family Ties, Back to the Future series, Teen Wolf, and Spin City has been pretty much out of the public eye since he quit the latter show in 2000 (the show ran until 2002 without him). He's lent his voice to the Stuart Little movies and Disney's forgettable Atlantis, but who doesn't miss seeing him? Damn Parkinson's. Fox will return to the screen this week on the new episode of Boston Legal and will return to movie theatres soon in Back to the Future Part IV. The Future movie was suspended a long time ago because Fox wasn't up for it, but buzz is he will make it. This time we wants to basically take Christopher Lloyd's role. What that means exactly, I don't know. Will he play a character similiar to Doc Brown? Will he still be the same character? We'll find out soon enough. Good news!

Also, in the Strange But True category, I just found out that the guy who perfected the flush mechanism on our toilets was named Thomas Crapper. He died in 1910. I'm serious. His name was Crapper. How awesome is that?

Qop! (from Back to the Future)
Doc Brown: Tell me future boy, who's President of the United States in 1985?
Marty: Ronald Reagan.
Doc Brown: Ronald Regan? The actor? Then who's Vice President? Jerry Lewis?

It's 2006

No, really, it is. I am appropriately drunk and at a friends' apartment. I was at several parties tonight, but I ended at one with all women (except for me), so that's cool. Many kisses at midnight. Just not from someone special. :( That's ok. I present my New Year's resolutions for 2006:
1. Get my full teaching lisence
2. Be in a serious relationship
3. Lose at least 20 pounds
4. Sell 1,000 copies of my book
5. Do something I have never done before but always wanted to

Sound good? Feel free to post your resolutions as a comment. That would be cool. See you all later and have a great 2006!

Qop!
"15...14...13...12...11...10...9...8...7...6...5...4...3...2...1! Happy New Year's! 2006!" ~ Everyone