Tip of the Hat, Wag of the Finger April 2007 Edition

It's April 2nd, but at least I am posting it this month, as this is only my third TOTHWOTF, and only my second keeping to the schedule. Yay!

Tip of the Hat to Lost
As long as Nikki and Paolo are actually dead. Fantastic episode.
Wag of the Finger to my New Manager at Champps
Learn how to make cuts!!!
Tip of the Hat to Steak Quesadillas
I have been eating these delicious things at Champps after work several times in the last few weeks, and they are quite tasty. Everyone should have some.
Wag of My Finger to Network Television
Every year they tease us with tantalizing morsels of good television, such as The Winner, Eyes, The Nine, and Reunion, and then they yank the plug. Some they even let on go long enough for me to fall in love with like What About Brian?, Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip, and The Class. How dare you take away my shows and replace them with shit like Two & A Half Men!!!
Tip of My Hat to Congress
For finally passing a budget that stipulates a pullout from Iraq. Yes, I know it's a mess, but it's over, we can't do any more good without doubling our troops, and no one wants that. Give it up. We're done. Let us go home.
Wag of My Finger to Congress
Since only just over half of you are willing to pass the aforementioned law, you won't be able to overturn Premiere Dictator Bush's veto. Shame on you lame Congressional Republicans!
Tip of the Hat to China
Even though you have been rated our biggest threat for about the last decade, if not longer, you haven't attacked us yet. Thank you!
Wag of My Finger to Paper Cuts
You are small and insignificant. Quit hurting so badly! It's just not fair!

Qops! (from American Dad!)
Steve Smith: I touched her hand, her hand touched her boob. By the transitive property, I touched her boob! Algebra's awesome!

Roger the Alien: Is that a Chinese baby?
Stanley Smith: Sure is! Japanese, to be specific.

Stanley Smith: Son, if you ever get captured by any terrorists in the neighborhood and end up on al-Jazeera, just blink you location in Morse code. I'll have a bomb dropped on your location immediately.
Steve Smith: But, Dad, then I'd get killed too.
Stanley Smith: Ah, come on son, there are plenty of kids to play with in heaven. Your cousin Billy. That little girl from Poltergeist. She must be about 16 by now, you could totally tap that.

Hayley Smith: My mother stole my boyfriend!
Stanley Smith: And your boyfriend stole my wife! Let's get back at them by dating each other! Wait a minute... Daddy didn't think that one through.

TV Juggle

I don't understand why networks do it. Do you? The TV Juggle. You learn what night and time your favorite shows are, and then they rearrange them for absolutly no reason. Then, while my DVR can handle two shows at once, suddenly there are four shows you want to watch in one time slot, and no shows the rest of the night. Geez! I guess that means I have good taste because I pick the shows they want to put in their best time slot, but in a couple weeks some of those shows will be moved again and then I'll have missed episodes, which I don't like to do. Joey, surprisingly returns Tuesday. Yay! Arrested Development is already off the air after a two hour series finale. It may return on Showtime, but that does me absolutely no good. The biggest crime this season is that The West Wing only gets 5 more episodes to tie up the election and Leo's death. Oh, and Alias is getting less episodes to tie up that series than originally planned. A show that runs for years should get a full season to do a finale! Why do shows get cancelled? 3 or 4 MILLION of us are still waiting for the return of Reunion, which will never happen. How many people have to watch to save a show anyway? Daytime shows run with much less than 3 million. So do late night. Run Reunion then if you have to. I'd DVR it. I can't wait for everything to switch to On Demand, where you just go to the channel and there's a list of all the new shows that week, scroll down and pick one, whenever you want. These channels exist in premium packages now, but not really for the broadcast networks, which is pretty much all I want. Marketability needs to catch up to technology. In other news, Mr. Dailey got nothing done he wanted to do this week because he was too busy searching for when his shows would air. (NOTE: The last line is ficitonal. I have too much to do to figure out when he shows are on)

Qop!
Meg: You believe me, right?
Veronica: You are the last good person here at Neptune High. I believe cartoon birds braided your hair this morning.

Four Crumbs Not Emily

So I was watching a few of the mid-season premieres this week. Not too many. I had too many shows this fall, and thankfully some of the good ones got cancelled (Reunion, Threshold, and probably soon Bones) or put on indefinite hiatus (Arrested Development, Joey, and the wildly successful Prison Break and Out of Practice), or just turned out to be the same boring plot every week, despite still being good (Ghost Whisperer, Close to Home). So now with a much slimmer television schedule I have no desire to expand it again. I have too many other things I want to do besides watch tv. Still, I did welcome back Jake in Progress with open arms (it deserves them) and gave three new shows a chance: Emily's Reasons Why Not, Four Kings, and Crumbs. I chose these three because of lead actors: Heather Graham, Seth Green, and Fred Savage. Emily has already been dropped from my schedule. It got bad reviews, and I agree. It is NOT the least bit funny. Kings was great, with four strong actors about buddies sharing an apartment. Plus Seth Green gets lots of short jokes. Always funny. In the premiere they were trying to get him to stuff himself into a dryer. But the best new show is Crumbs.
Fred Savage is great as the main character, a closet gay who left home and moved to L.A. after the unexpected death of one of his brothers. He wrote a screenplay about it, which was well recieved, and began dating his pyschiatrist. He soon realizes that he doesn't have another screenplay in him, is dumped for his boyfriend for being emotionally distant, and returns home. Meanwhile, the mother, played deliciously insane by Jane Curtin, has just been released from a mental institution. After her husband cheated on her, she lost it and tried to run him over with a car. Now she goes back and forth between hoping he'll come home and hating his guts, and gets some action from her doctor, a big black guy named Elvis. And she suspects her son is gay. Despite the doctors in the show all sleeping with their patients, it is good. Fred's other brother has stayed home and in between his one night stands, now sololy runs the family restuarant. He won't talk to Fred because Fred ran off and then made their family story into a movie. Dad, played with a carefree atrtitude by William DeVane, sneaks into the restaurant every night to balance the books correctly, and is expecting a new baby with the restaurant critic that helped him end his marriage. Hmm. The critic is like the doctors. Well, despite the unprofessionalism of the supporting characters, this is a sitcom that makes you laugh and tear up in the same act. Rounding out the four member family and the black boyfriend is a waitress at the restaurant who used to date Fred Savage. Watch it.

Qop! (from "Formidable Opponent" on The Colbert Report, where Stephen debates with himself, split screen style, on an issue, in this case, is charity good?)
Stephen # 1: But, I could take care of my minimal needs and send the rest of the money to the poor.
Stephen #2: Okay, think about this: You could buy a $100,000 Mercedes S600, or you could buy a $10,000 pile of crap from Korea and give the left over 110,000 to...
S1: An orphanage?
S2: Whatever let's you sleep. One day, you go to check on your orphans. It's raining, and you don't have the benefits of that fine German engineering. You spin out of control. You're like a loose lawnmower blade. And what's that ahead? It's your orphans! They've come out into the street to thank you for your selfless gift.
S1 (yelling): Get out of the street orphans!
S2: Oh, I forgot to mention: They're deaf.
S1: Noooooo!
S2: Yes. Yeah, tragedy. Tragedy all because you didn't care enough to make a difference for yourself.
S1: Wow. You've really opened my eyes, Stephen. Say, um, does it have to be a car?
S2: No, it could be a really sweet boat.

Up Late

These Steak N Shake hours have me so screwed up. I am up until 4am or later every night and it seems normal. Then I sleep until noon. When I started subbing I'm going to have to change my hours. Now it's like 4:20 and I'm wide awake. Of course, I've only been home for 15 minutes. I think a shower and bed might be nice, although I really want to work on my book. The second one. I have been doing a lot of work on it. For those of you who buy my first one and enjoy it, don't worry. The second one will be ready by this time next year, although probably sooner, but I may not try to publish it until I get the first one out for awhile. But the first one ends on a real cliffhanger, so... Ah, well. Anyway, after several days and zero votes, here are my winners:
Best Guest Star: Rupert, even though I do love Christine more.
Cancelled First: Freddie, although Night Stalker will be close behind.
Old Series Cancelled: Joey, and I'll cry. Majorly.
Best New: Ghost Whisperer. Seriously.
Worst: Invasion, although I am tempted to put Chris because it's getting a lot more credit than it deserves. Definitely overhyped. It's good, but not that good.
Best New Actor: Neil Patrick Harris, but Brent and Rob are close behind.
Best New Actress: Stockard, although it was very tough to pick this one.
Best Theme: Reunion
Best Animated / Variety: Daily Show
Show Deserved Mention: Kitchen Confidential, of course!

Qop!
"Two gay parents! That's every kid's dream!" ~ Jack on Will & Grace, upon finding out that Elliot's mom, played by Rosie, is a lesbo

Season Opener Awards

These awards are for just the first few weeks of the season. Pleas let me know your pics, through e-mail (vote@actorsnightmare.com) perferably, and then I'll choose winners, mostly by what you go by if you vote, and post them in a few days.
BEST GUEST STAR
Cha Chi on Arrested Development
Rupert Evert on Boston Legal
Janeine Garafolo on The West Wing
Christine Baranski on Ghost Whisperer
NEW SERIES MOST LIKELY TO GET CANCELLED FIRST (Not Worst)
The Apprentice: Martha Stewart
Invasion (which I already gave up on)
Out of Practice
Command in Chief
Freddie
Night Stalker
How I Met Your Mother
OLD SERIES MAY NOT MAKE IT THROUGH THE SEASON
Joey
Will & Grace
Alias
Two And A Half Men
BEST NEW SHOW
My Name Is Earl
Everybody Hates Chris
Ghost Whisperer
Prison Break
Reunion
WORST NEW SHOW
Invasion
Everybody Hates Chris
Bones
Out of Practice
BEST ACTOR (New Cast Members Only)
Alan Alda The West Wing
David Borenanaz Bones
Brent Spiner Threshold
Rob Benedict Threshold
Neil Patrick Harris How I Met Your Mother
BEST ACTRESS (New Cast Members Only)
Emily Deschanel Bones
Charismas Carpenter Veronica Mars
Alfre Woodard Desperate Housewives
Michelle Rodriguez Lost
Stockard Channing Out of Practice
BEST NEW THEME SONG
Reunion
Prison Break
Bones
Ghost Whisperer
Commander in Chief
BEST ANIMATED / VARIETY SHOW
The Daily Show with Jon Stewart
Family Guy
American Dad
Is there really another nominee?
SHOW THAT SHOULD HAVE BEEN MENTIONED ABOVE BUT WASN'T
The Daily Show With Jon Stewart
Kitchen Confidential
King of Queens
Hot Properties

Qop!
"Dear Buddha, I would like a pony and a plastic rocket." ~ Captain Mal, Serenity, Again, Go See!

Premiere Season Part One of Two

Sorry it has been awhile since my last post. I wanted to watch as many premieres as I could before I did more reviews, and I didn't have much else to talk about. Here is Part One of Two on my big premiere review! I did a few reviews before this, but this is a much bigger one, and will be followed next week when the rest of the shows (except The Colbert Report, which doesn't premiere until October 17th) have premiered.
Arrested Development (Monday, Fox, 8pm) ~ I had never seen the show until the Season Three premiere, but wow is it amazing! This episode dealt with George Sr. having escaped and been replaced by his brother Oscar in jail. Michael blows off promises to George Michael and Job to go find his father, but George Michael ends up in Reno anyway, and the two of them are soon kidnapped by Geroge Sr. Meanwhile, Lindsey sets off to win Tobias back, not knowing that Kitty dumped Tobias and Tobias is now a waiter instead of a member of Blue Man Group (George Sr got the Blue Man part). When Lindsey arrives, she finds Tobias making out with their lawyer, played by Henry Winkler, who is in full Blue Man makeup. So are those two closeted homos going to get together? Who knows? Now George Michael is waiting to make out again with his cousin Maybe, who is making out with her crush, Steve Holt, who is actually her uncle Job's son, and so is her cousin too. I went and watched Season One this week as well and was highly impressed. Amazing show! Score: 5/5
How I Met Your Mother (Monday, CBS, 8:30pm) ~ Alyson Hannigan and Neil Patrick Harris shine in this comedy, but are only minor players. The lead is a bit flat. It has potential to be a cute sitcom, but it needs to beef itseld up some more. We'll wait and see. Score: 3/5
Kitchen Confidential (Monday, Fox, 8:30pm) ~ Bradley Cooper competly leads this talented cast as a druggie ex-chef who gets a second chance and rounds up his old gang for his kitchen. Nicholas Brenden was great, and possibly gay? We're not sure. The scarf looked like it, but he was a pastry chef. The other supporting actors were ok. Score: 4/5
Prison Break (Monday, Fox, 9pm) ~ After 5 hours, this show continues to be riveting and good. The parts outside of the prison are a little bit of a drag, but I find myself wondering how it's all going to go down. It is brilliantly planned out and intriuging. The first five hours covered two weeks, and there are three weeks left before his brother is executed, so I predict time will begin slowing down, but we'll expect a breakout by February sweeps. At least, that's my hope. But what would Season two be about? Score: 4/5
Out of Practice (Monday, CBS, 9:30pm) ~ This new show was a surprise delight. Admittedly, Christopher Gorman, the main character and only "not real" doctor of the family could use some acting lessons, but Stockard Channing and Henry Winkler really shine as his recently divorced parents. My only regret is this will mean less of Channing on The West Wing and Winkler on Arrested Development this year. I predict Channing will be dropped from WW's opening credits. Score: 3/5
Medium (Monday, NBC, 10pm) ~ Patricia Arquette deserved her emmy, and this season opened with a bang. Months after Captain Push attempted to kill himself so that he could find out who a killer was and relay it to Allison, he lies in a coma. Allison and her husband Joe have seemingly fixed their marital problems, but they've only been pushed to the back as Allison hasn't been having dreams, and so not working. When Push's father begins to appear to Allison and tell her she needs to listen to his son, she of course figures everything out. But will her marriage survive another season of her job? I look forward to great things this season. Score: 4/5
Bones (Tuesday, Fox, 8pm) ~ Emily Deschanel and David Boreanaz have some of the best chemistry on television. Couple that with a delightful supporting cast, and this show has some great potential. Of course, Boreanaz is 'seeking redemption for past wrongs', but I promise it's not a repeat of Angel! I hope the writing gets better, but I see good things in it's future. Score: 3/5 (Actors: 5/5)
My Name is Earl (Tuesday, NBC, 9pm) ~ I love Jason Lee, and this show is great for that actor. He is trying to make up for bad stuff after he heard about karma from Carson Daly. It was good, but unfortunately the premiere will be my only viewing, as Commander in Chief and The Amazing Race have our DVR tied up. I like Lee, so watch it, and if CiC fails, I'll be back. Score: 2.5/5
Lost (Wednesday, ABC, 9pm) ~ Returning for it's sophomore year, Lost blew me out of the water! It actually answered some of it's secrets this week! The hatch was very well done. The show focused on Jack, but gave interesting things to Kate, Locke, and Hurley. Other than that, Shannon, Siyad, and Walt each appeared, and the other main characters were no where to be seen, other than a few other brief glimpses. What about the fate of those on the raft? They are still in the cast list, although we expect another character death soon. And I can't wait to see Michelle Rodriguez and the other survivors from the back half of the plane. It promises to be exiciting. Score: 4.5/5
Invasion (Wednesday, ABC, 10pm) ~ This show gets maybe one more chance. It was pretty lame and I have too much to watch as it is. It was a stupid plot, aliens invading Florida by taking over people, and not as creepy as it should have been. Do you think perhaps that's what happened to Jeb and George? Just asking. :) Flat characters and weak story made this hard to sit through. Score: 1/5.
Joey (Thursday, NBC, 8pm) ~ I don't care what people say, I like Joey. I don't like they felt the need to revamp the cast for this season. I'm not a big fan of Joey's new friend and co-star, although I'm glad Joey finally landed a big movie role. I do enjoy his sister's new job and Jennifer Coolidge finally appearing in every episode. They should dump Miguel and make Coolidge's other assistant a main. He is the new Gunther. This season will be better, and hopefully Alex and Joey will stay together and finally give him a real relationship. Plus, we need some Friends to make apperances! Score: 3.5/5
Everybody Hates Chris (Thursday, UPN, 8pm) ~ Another show I can only give one week because Alias and Joey are non negotiable (kiss it Michael :)), but it was pretty good. Maybe a bit overhyped. I've always liked Chris Rock, but I've never loved him. The show is just comedy. And where else are you going to hear nigger and other racial slurs at 8pm on broadcast tv? It was a little bit not my style of humor, but still enjoyable. Score: 3/5.
Reunion (Thursday, Fox, 9pm) ~ I love this show. It is crappy tv, like Dawson's Creek, but that's why I like it. The actors are great, especially Chyler Leigh from The Practice. I can't wait to see who is dead and who killed them. It keeps me coming back for more, and I really get into it. This one year per season thing doesn't work real well though as the episodes cover a few days, maybe weeks, and then it's a year later. That bugs me. But I'll get over it. Score: 3/5
Threshold (Friday, CBS, 9pm) ~ Brannon Braga's first big non-Star Trek tv show. He brings the dark side he took to First Contact, Voyager, and Enterprise, and makes it scarier. Very good plot, very good story. Brent Spiner (The Next Generation) and Robert Patrick Benedict (Felicity) are definitely my favorite actors on the team of geeky scientists, especially with Spiner's biting wit that sets his character apart from Data. But Carla Gugino as the star works for me too. The only I don't like in the cast is Peter Dinklage, but that may be because his character is just such an ass. I have high hopes for this show. Score: 4/5.
Family Guy and American Dad (Sunday, Fox, 8 and 8:30pm) ~ Still good. Nothing else to report over last time. Just watch them. Score: 4/5
Coming Next Time: Commander in Chief, Boston Legal, Close to Home, Night Stalker, Veronice Mars, Alias, Will & Grace, Ghost Whisperer, Desperate Housewives, Grey's Anatomy, The West Wing, Saturday Night Live, The Amazing Race?, America's Next Top Model?, Apprentice: Martha Stewart?

Qop!
"If I were a carpenter, and you were my lady, I'd nail you." ~ www.ruminate.com